I'LL BE JUST FINE, SAYS PLANET
'The Earth spoke out after a series of books, television programmes and environmental campaigns urged people to do everything in their power to 'Save the Planet'.
Earth, 4,000,000,000 years of age, said last night: "I'll be absolutely fine, seriously. I might get a bit warmer and a bit wetter, but to be honest, that actually sounds quite nice.
"Try living through an ice age. Pardon my French, but it's absolutely fucking freezing."
The planet, based 93 million miles from the Sun, said it was 'sick and tired' of being drawn into arguments about human behavior.
"Look, I'm just a planet doing its thing, alright? If you want to live on me, that's your business, but I've got important planet stuff to do, okay?
"Try being in elliptical orbit for five minutes, or balancing your gravitational pull with a medium-sized moon. Let me assure you, it's no fucking picnic."
The planet said environmental campaigners should change their slogan from 'Save the Planet' to something more relevant such as 'Save Your Sorry Arse'.
Earth added: "Okay, so there may come a time when, for a variety of reasons, I am no longer able to support pandas, polar bears, and humans, but you know what? Life goes on.
"Who knows, I might end up being a haven for toads."